Recently, my son asked me to write a bit about my time working with substance abusers.

Quite a few years ago I was the nurse in the detox unit of a chemical dependency hospital. My family cure for circumstances or feelings we didn't know what to do with was to take a nap or have a bowl of ice cream. We never thought of ourselves as drinkers and certainly not users. I had a lot to learn about subance abuse and recovery.

When I first started working there, the patients would ask me if I was "in recovery". I really didn't know what they were talking about. At that time, to me, recovery and sobriety were the same. The term dry drunk was one of the first I learned. I didn't know you could be sober and not drinking, but as sick and unhappy as someone who was still drinking or using plenty.

The underlying concept of the 12 step program of AA and NA and all of the other anonymous groups the way I understand it, is one of emotional healing. The steps are to bring each individual to wholeness. Thus the term recovery.

As I worked with individuals as they struggled to overcome significant problems, I came to admire their courage and vulnerability as they let go of defenses, and the pure tenacity they had needed to survive the insults to their minds, emotions, and bodies often from a very early age. I wondered given the same circumstances whether I would have survived at all.

Most of the women and many of the men were victims of sexual abuse. As children not yet able to reason, they blamed themselves and felt shame for the behavior of the grown up who harmed them. In treatment as adults, it made no difference that their brain could reason now that the fault wasn't theirs. The words of the counselors or their peers couldn't change the feelings they had internalized and carried for years. It was the 12 steps of the program that would take them bit by bit on that healing journey. My job was to help them get through the first difficult days.

During the time I was working at the hospital, I was taking a creative writing class. I used one of my assignments to clarify my thinking about this different way of life I was learning about. It was my hope that if my paper was very honest and stated clearly what I believed, that those who read it might connect with compassion rather than distance themselves with name calling.

Although the paper that follows in my next post was written years ago, what I wrote then remains true to me now.

Large print for those of us wearing bi/trifocals. I like to keep things comfortable and easy. Life offers enough interesting challenges over which we have little or no control.
Fortunately, we do have choice of attitude, of behavior, and of size of print among other things.
I turned 60 last month. In the time before my birthday I found myself thinking deeply about life, my life, and the impact of my life on others.
In our family, we live to be about eighty. That gives me twenty more years if all goes well.
I've done most of what is on my to do in this life list. But I think now that my list is too short. I wonder what I may still accomplish.
By pondering my demise, I began to feel much more alive. Colors have become brighter. Music is more beautiful. Family is cherished and some of my smallness and pettiness has died. I don't know where they went, but the void has been filled with a peaceful acceptance that surprises me from time to time.
I believe that my impact on others has been minimal. I'm not saying I'm insignificant, only that I have become aware of my unwillingness to go boldly forward. I have played it safe. I want to change that part of me. I want to feel the joy of experiencing adventure at a whole new level.
This entry into the blogosphere is my first effort to sally forth into the unknown that may last one day or twenty years. I'm hoping I get the full twenty or more.
I'm wishng me good luck and the same to you.